Self Improvement Guide

March 7, 2008

tentips on quothow not to take things to heartquot

Category: anger management. Posted by kampoo at 5:13 am.

TenTips on "How Not to Take Things to Heart"

Writen by Rachel Green

1. Know why you are hurting. Know why you are hurting and respond accordingly. Are you hurting because of something that has happened in your history? Are you adding your history to the present moment and therefore adding fuel to something small and making it appear bigger? For example, if your mother has looked at you in a certain way since childhood and she’s looked at you in the same way today - do you react because of the way she looked today or the way she looked at you as a child? If it’s the latter, try reacting as if this was the first time you’d ever seen the look!

2. Laugh and make light of it. Laughter can be a wonderful cure and reliever. If you can keep light about a potential put-down then the put-down has no power. This doesn’t mean that you leave yourself open to abuse. What it does mean is that you can more easily brush off potentially hurtful comments.

3. Tell someone else about what was said and turn it into a funny story. Tell someone else what has happened and tell it in a way that makes it funny. Do a caricature - exaggerate what was said - think of a funny line back … build it up until it’s funny - this will help the hurt to dissipate.

4. Delay your response. Many people retaliate very quickly before they’ve had time to think through what has been said. It’s a bit like someone throwing something at you. Would you just stand there and let it hurt you or would you duck? Delaying is like ducking. Pause before you respond. Then you give yourself time to think of a good response and to check that you’re not adding hurt to what was said.

5. Think of the other person as being “unskilled” rather than being “intimidating,” “bossy” or “aggressive”. Think of the other person as being “unskilled” rather than being “intimidating” “bossy” or “aggressive”. I’ll often say to myself, “Well that was an unskilled way of saying things, I wonder what she meant?” This helps me keep calm and non-reactive, yet still available to help the person.

6. Separate out what is specific to you. Sometimes people respond to a general complaint as if it is personally directed at them. Don’t do this. Work out what is specifically about you and what is a general complaint that you happen to get because you were in the same place as the other person? When it’s not specific to you, remind yourself of this, e.g. you might say to yourself, “This is about the company” or “He has obviously got a bad headache.”

7. Monitor for sites of tension build up and let go before they develop. Monitor for sites of tension build up and let go before they develop. Each of us will have physiological changes which occur early on in the process of becoming hurt. If you can catch your stomach tightening, your neck tightening or your hands grasping, early on, you have more chance of letting go and not hooking into the other person’s comments or emotions. Someone in one of our workshops recently discovered she started clicking her nails as a sign that she was hooking in. What are your signs?

8. Keep breathing. Keep breathing in and out. No, I’m not joking! Some people hear something unpleasant and catch their breath and then don’t let go of it. You’re more likely to take something personally if you aren’t breathing!

9. Breathe deeply.Breathe deeply so your breathing remains calm, regular and deep. Even in a meeting it’s possible to put your hand on your midriff to give yourself a physical reminder to keep your breathing deep and regular. If your breathing speeds up and becomes shallow it could be a sign that you are getting hooked in.

10. Don’t read criticism into something that’s not intended as criticism. Don’t read in something that wasn’t there. It’s easy to try and “read between the lines” and imagine what someone meant or what they were implying and then to react as though your interpretation is true. It may not be. Someone, for example, may have crossed his arms to stop his shoulders aching not because they didn’t like what you said! Someone may be whispering to someone else as you walk in the room and you may assume they are talking about you. In fact they may be talking about their latest sexual exploits with their new boyfriends

By not getting hurt and looking after yourself, you increase your chances of staying healthy and having even more caring to give to others.

Further information

These are just a few of the many tips available on not taking things to heart. There are plenty more on the “How not to take things personally” CDs: http://www.rachelgreen.com/tape_personally.html which also include practical exercises for you to try out with a friend.

Rachel Green, PO Box 344, Kelmscott, Western Australia 6991.
Phone: +61 8 9390 1188. Fax +61 8 9390 1199 Web site: http://www.rachelgreen.com

Copyright 2006 RachelGreen.Com Pty Ltd

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anger managementanger mastery

Category: anger management. Posted by kampoo at 5:10 am.

Anger Management/Anger Mastery

Writen by Jeff Herring

The Law of Everyone - It is not necessarily wrong to get angry. You get angry, I get angry, all God’s children get angry. It’s what we do with our anger that makes the difference.

The Law of Stress - Although we don’t often think of anger as a form of stress, it is by far one of the largest and most destructive forms of daily stress. Manage your anger, and you manage a large amount of your stress.

The Law of Choice - Anger is rarely if ever an automatic response. It’s a choice. It’s a choice because we have to think about something before we get angry.

The Law of Shoulds - We all have beliefs about how the world and the people around us should behave. When these beliefs are violated, anger is a natural, and sometimes reasonable response. The problem is that when we “should” on somebody, it can become a trigger for our anger. For example, if we run the sentence “that driver should not have cut in front of me” over and over in our heads, the response is not likely to be pretty. At best we’ll raise our blood pressure, and at worst do something really stupid.

The Law of Blame - Another one of our thoughts that lead quickly to anger involves blaming someone or something. The dance of blame is a deadly two step:

1) someone is at fault, and

2) they should be punished - anger can be very punishing.

The Law of Cause - This one is closely related to the law of blame. There is a myth in our culture that very few people ever question. The best example is the phrase “he made me angry.” Well, bull! No one can make us angry without our cooperation.

The Law of Enflaming - Another myth is that if we are able to vent our anger it will automatically decrease. That is not necessarily so. I once watched a neighbor stomp around the side of his house, grumbling and swearing as he went. Stomping by the air conditioning unit, he smashed his fist down on top of it. That move not only made him more angry, it looked to me like it hurt a lot too. Grumbling and swearing even louder, he stomps into his backyard and kicks a lounge chair. It didn’t appear to calm him down, and it looked like that one hurt too. I found out later that he broke both his hand and his foot on his romp around the yard.

The Law of Source - In almost every case, anger is a secondary emotion. In other words, we experience some other strong emotion before we feel the anger. Follow the source and you usually come up with one of three strong emotions - fear, frustration or hurt, or some combination of the above. Deal with fear, frustration and hurt and you can cut anger off at the pass.

The Law of Battles - Learn to pick your battles. If you get angry at everything, then your anger means nothing. If that sounds confusing, here’s an example: how much would gold be worth if we all had it in abundance? That’s right, not much. Gold is valuable because it is so rare. If you are always getting angry, people stop taking you seriously and just want to avoid you.

The Law of Worth - Ask your self this question: “is this situation worth getting angry over?” Most time it just isn’t.

The Law of Muscles - Learn to exercise your choice muscles. We can choose to be angry or we can choose another way of handling the situation.

The Law of Channeling - When you do get angry, channel it into something you can use to benefit you, such as motivating you into changing what can be changed.

Visit http://www.TheArticleGuy.com for more leading edge tips and tools for writing articles that bring you prospects, publicity and profits. You can also subscribe to our monthly Article Writing & Marketing Tips Newsletter. You are also invited to visit my Express-Start Article Writing Program for more information on the next article writing tele-seminar.

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