Three Tips for Forgiveness: A Key Factor in Anger Management

Writen by Dr. Tony Fiore

Elizabeth, 32, cried during anger management class as she told how one year ago - her 19-month-old girl was permanently brain-damaged as the result of a medical error at the hospital in which she was delivered.

Elizabeth had a legitimate grievance toward the hospital and medical staff, and felt that she could never forgive them for
what she saw as their incompetence. She clearly was not yet ready to forgive. She felt she needed her simmering anger to
motivate her to do what she felt she needed to do legally and otherwise to deal with this horrific situation.

Yet, at some point in the future - when she is ready - Elizabeth might decide to find a way to forgive. To be able to do this, she will have to take the step of separating two things in her mind: (1) blaming the hospital for what they did and (2) blaming them for her resulting feelings about the situation.

Reasons to forgive

Elizabeth cannot change what was done to her daughter, but she can change how she lives the rest of her life. If she continues to hold an intense grievance, she is giving what happened in the past the power to determine her present emotional well being. Until she forgives, Elizabeth will be victimized over and over again, trapped in an emotional prison.

Should you forgive?

The answer to this question always comes down to personal choices and decisions. Some people in our anger management classes feel that certain things cannot and shouldn’t be forgiven; others feel that ultimately anything can be forgiven.

As an example of what is possible, the staff of the Stanford Forgiveness Project successfully worked with Protestant and
Catholic families of Northern Ireland whose children had been killed by each other. Using the techniques taught by the Stanford group, these grieving parents were able to forgive and get on with their lives.

On the other hand, Dr. Abrams-Spring, author of the classic `”After the Affair,” cautions that quickly and easily forgiving a
cheating partner indicates low self-esteem. In her view, forgiveness must be earned by the offending partner, but given
automatically.

Reasons to forgive

Studies have shown that there are measurable benefits to forgiveness:

- Forgiving is good for your health. Studies show that people who forgive report fewer health problems while people who blame
others for their troubles have a higher incidence of illness such as cardiovascular disease and cancers.

- Forgiving is good for your peace of mind. Scientific research shows that forgiveness often improves your peace of mind. A
1996 study showed that the more people forgave those who hurt them, the less angry they were.

- Two studies of divorced people show that those who forgave their former spouse were healthier emotionally than those who
chose not to forgive. The forgivers had a higher sense of well being and lower anxiety and depression.

Forgiveness tips

It is common for angry people to think, “I want to forgive, and I know I should, but I don’t know how.” Here are some starting points:

Tip 1: Remember, forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience to complete. You must be ready. Realize that forgiveness is for you - not for anyone else.

Tip 2: Realize that forgiving does not mean you are condoning the actions of the offender or what they did to you. It does mean that you will blame less and find a way to think differently about what happened to you.

Tip 3: Refocus on the positives in your life. A life well lived is the best revenge. People who find a way to see love, beauty and kindness around them are better able to forgive and get past their grievances.

Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter “Taming The Anger Bee” at http://www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.

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How To Manage Anger

Writen by Uta Roggendorf

When we’re angry with others we spend energy that we could preserve for ourselves or spend much more constructively. Why do we waste so much effort defending ourselves, disagreeing, trying to convince others to see things from our perspective?

It’s our egos. And don’t get me wrong. This is not another article telling you that you should get rid of your ego. The ego keeps you alive; it helps you achieve your goals and dreams. It’s thanks to egos that we have developed the world into the place we live now (yes, egos are also helping to destroy it). Would you want to live without cars, fridges, TVs, computers? I know I wouldn’t!

Egos are a bit like Jekyll and Hyde. There’s a part that helps you to be the person you want to be. And in fact it’s part of the definition of who you really are. It’s the ego that is largely responsible for anger. Anger is destructive. It destroys the person who feels angry and it can have devastating effects on the people interacting with the angry person. When anger gets on top of you, it is difficult to resist the downward spiral. Suddenly the smallest incident or comment can cause anger. The body reacts every time by raising the heart rate, acidity in your stomach rising, your muscles weaken after the initial adrenaline rush that gives you power. Anger is really a most undesirable state to be in. It serves virtually no purpose.

Recognising how much anger rules your life is the first step to eradicating it from your being. You need to find the anger triggers. Imagine a normal day from the moment you get up to the moment you get to bed. When is the first time you encounter a situation that can make you potentially feel angry? And how would you rate that anger on a scale of 1 - 10, one being slightly angry and ten being a feeling of uncontrollable rage? Follow your average day and write down all anger triggers. For example, driving to work, reoccurring situations with your partner which make you angry, things your children do or don’t do, situations at work, etc.

When you’ve identified, written down and rated all your anger triggers, you get a good idea for how angry you are as a person. If you have identified only a few triggers that you’ve rated below 4 on the scale, then you’re probably not a very angry person and only react occasionally. If you have a dozen or more triggers that are rated above five in your average day, then you have a problem. You’re in pain for a large part of your daily life and this, almost without a doubt, has an impact on you and those around you.

How do you escape the anger grip? Read the following statements and integrate them in your belief system:

You can’t change other people. If others behave in a way towards you that makes you angry, you either have to stop being around them or accept them as they are and stop being angry. Don’t expect the other person to change.

Your expectations are your very own personal views. More than likely they are not shared to their full extend by those around you. At the same time others may have expectations that you don’t match. Rather than forcing others to live up to your expectations or being subject to pressure from others, find a compromise that everyone can live with.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and the concept of right or wrong may apply in the court room, but in most situations there is no such thing. There are only different opinions, different ways of doing things, different habits and beliefs. Nothing makes one opinion more valuable or more right than another.

You don’t have to be right all the time. Giving in or accepting that others have a different view is not a weakness. It doesn’t take away from who you are. Next time you’re in a discussion or argument, just stop. Say to the other person that you’ll have to agree to disagree and leave it at that.

If you perceive others to behave towards you in an aggressive way, you can easily trace this back to you as the original source. Either you’re giving off ‘anger vibes’ that the other person picks up on, or more likely you’re misinterpreting other people’s behaviour. For example, if being overtaken on the road makes you angry, then you’re probably taking this far more personal than you should. You’re misinterpreting the other person’s behaviour you as something that they are doing to hurt you. Most likely the reason why they are overtaking you has nothing to do with you; they don’t even know you. Next time you feel that someone is attacking you personally, take a deep breath and say to yourself that you are not taking others’ actions personal anymore.

Once you’ve fully understood and integrated these points in your life, a large of explosive situations that usually make you angry will already have been desensitised.

In addition, next time you face one of your anger triggers, consciously take a step back from the situation. Take three deep breaths. Tell yourself that you are choosing not to be angry any longer. Say to yourself that you are living a different life now, a life in which peace and harmony are priorities over being right and getting even. Continue to breathe until you feel completely calm. With every breath imagine yourself breathing in peace and harmony and breathing out anger.

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