Great Expectations: Premeditated Resentments

Writen by Nicholas Messina M.D.

We live in an imperfect world. If you are a perfectionist you will find it hard to cope with the chaotic rhythm of today’s world.

What is a perfectionist? Many people think that perfectionists are merely neat freaks. People who never have a hair out of place and who have houses that are kept like museums come to mind.

What about the sloppy control freak? He is not necessarily neat, his desk is usually a mess, and he may leave his underwear on the floor. However this perfectionist sets the bar so high for himself that he always fails. Why bother to be neat if things will eventually get messed? Why keep a neat desk if more papers keep coming?

He sets the bar high for his wife, children and co-workers so they constantly disappoint him. The more he is disappointed, the tighter he tries to control people, places and things. Chronic disappointment leads to anger and anger leads to resentment. He resents people for not living up to his expectation of who he thinks they should be.

Once resentment is harbored it is like dancing with a gorilla. The dance is over when the gorilla says its over. We harbor resentments toward people for perceived affronts to us that they have no idea they committed. Then we get angry and miserable to teach them a lesson. This becomes a vicious cycle.

How can we prevent this chain of events?

- Learn to set boundaries for yourself

- Learn to respect the boundaries of others

- Learn to have realistic expectations

- Learn not to depend on the outcome of your expectations

- When you are upset learn to discuss your problem instead of stuffing it

- Learn to look for the good in every situation

- Learn to look for the lesson in every bad situation

- Learn to accept responsibility for your actions and avoid blaming others

The minute you have an unrealistic expectation of yourself or others you are committing the crime of premeditated resentment. The punishment for this crime is life imprisonment, alone and miserable, in your own head.

Dr. Messina became a Board Certified Family Practitioner in 1985. He was in solo practice until 1994. He then helped form a group Family Practice in which he served as Vice President. He left group practice in 1997 and became the Medical Director of a Wellness Center. He was responsible for coordinating the efforts of nutritionists, acupuncturists, massage therapists, exercise physiologists, and Chinese medicine practitioners into integrated medical care plans that were individualized to the patient. He became the Medical Director of an independent clinical research facility in 2000. He has been the Principal Investigator in over 50 clinical trials involving osteoarthritis, diabetes, hypertension, hypercholesterolemia, chronic pain, depression, anxiety, dry eye, migraine, and diabetes prevention. He has served as consultant to a nutritional company, and has formulated nutritional supplements.

Visit Dr. Messina’s website =>http://Physicianformulated.com/

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Coping with Angry People

Writen by Timothy Dey

I often work as a professional coach to executives, physicians, lawyers and others. One of the issues that frequently comes up in coaching is how best to cope with angry bosses, coworkers,or clients who suddenly or repeatedly appear. Skill in dealing with such people is no small matter - depending on our skillfulness,encountering and angry person can be a minor bump in the road or can upset us for the rest of the day. If we lose our balance, not only is it much less pleasant to be inside our own skins, but our effectiveness at completing tasks and communicating with others can be substantially diminished. The good news is that there are a few easily remembered steps that anyone can make use of with a little practice and powerful results.

When beginning to deal with an angry person,the first step is always to listen. This is done with eye contact, but very few words, until the initial wave of angry energy pauses for the first time. During that interval, listen for the factual content of what that person thinks is their concern, while letting the emotional content wash by without “hooking” you. Don’t put much effort into sharing information at this point. The person who is very angry is not in a state where they can absorb much of anything you have to say, even if they would benefit from hearing it. They may often misinterpret your quick verbal response or problem-solving as a way of getting rid of them and their needs.

A great metaphor to hold in mind as you listen during this first
step is that of a great ocean wave crashing over you as you stand in the surf, or perhaps a volcano erupting with hot rock and ash. There is no point in trying to shout over the noise until the initial outburst is complete, or become upset that this event is
all about you, even if the angry person would have you believe that at the time.

When the pause in their verbal torrent finally comes, briefly mirror the factual content with the goal of letting the other person know that you’ve heard the core of their complaint accurately. This can sound something like: “So if I heard you correctly, you’re saying “or “What I hear you saying is this “, but you should always use your own judgment in choosing language that sounds natural to each situation. Even better, the mirroring statement can be preceded by first asking permission to confirm
you heard, and/or a finishing question asking if your understanding is accurate. This might sound something like: “Can I make sure I heard you correctly?” Rest assured
that the answer to this question will always be “yes”. This person wants to be heard! Understand that you are teaching two concepts to the angry person at this point: that you have heard the essence of their statement, and that you have not moved into anger yourself. You have remained sane in the presence of their unbalanced state, and are not becoming their enemy.

There is magic built into what you have just accomplished in justa minute or so of time and a few simple words. You have managed to share with someone who is feeling attacked and vulnerable (and who is barely able to listen to anyone) that not
only are you not angry in response to their anger, but that you have actually understood what they are upset about accurately.

Furthermore, if you asked and were given permission to make a mirroring statement to prove you heard them correctly,
you have already made and kept a successful contract with them, giving you credibility in their mind. You now established a relationship that has value to the person that is angry. Very likely they have aired their grievances with individuals
before you who did not listen well or became angry in return, and who did their best to pass the buck of dealing with the angry person. With just this first step, you are shifting the mental image the angry person holds of you from being the enemy like all
the rest to a becoming an ally in getting their needs met. There is still work to do, but in one move you have done the biggest part of defusing the interaction.

Timothy Dey, M.D. is a speaker and educator who makes a unique combination of educational assets and life experiences available to people through his coaching, consulting, teaching, writing, and workshops. He is a graduate of the Wayne State University School of Medicine, a certified comprehensive coach, and adjunct professor in multiple fields. He creates courses and teaches for online colleges in the areas of leadership, communication, corporate culture, and stress-management skills, as well as pharmacology and other health-related topics.

Dr. Dey works extensively with hospital systems, residency programs, attending physicians, and executives seeking expert guidance in interpersonal communication skills, physician-patient relationships, and executive goal-oriented coaching. As co-founder of The Dey Group, Inc., he is available through his website http://www.deygroup.com, e-mail at dr.dey@deygroup.com or by phone at 313-383-0582, and welcomes all contacts.

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Compulsive Gambler’s Guilt Affects Their Gambling Addiction Recovery

Writen by Howard Keith

When a compulsive gambler is in recovery, feeling guilty is one of the toughest areas to resolve for some people. When a gambler finally makes the conscious decision to stop gambling, reality sets in for the first time in a long time. When they take finally take stock in themselves they see all the damage they caused. Some people stop right before it’s too late and they have a few assets left. Then the compulsive gambler thinks they’re in control and once again go back to gambling. The next time the destruction is twice as worse. The feelings of guilt increase until they finally are willing to face they have a gambling problem.

Through various discussions with compulsive gamblers, I found a majority felt guilty and ashamed about the following:

* Feeling guilty you lied to your family and friends

* Feeling ashamed that your family and friends know you have a problem gambling

* Feeling guilty that friends and family may never trust you again

* Feeling guilty and ashamed knowing how much money you lost that could have been better spent.

* Feeling guilty you didn’t spend enough time with your children.

* Feeling guilty about your self destructive behavior

* Feeling guilty you didn’t go to relatives and friends events (birthdays, graduations etc.)

In time people will forgive the compulsive gambler, but can the compulsive gambler forgive them selves?

Friends and family will come around if the compulsive gambler keeps their word from now on. Once the gambler tells you they stop gambling, they must stick to it. If not they will lose credibility. Trust is very important both for the compulsive gambler and for the family and friends. People have to learn to trust compulsive gamblers all over again. In time they will if the compulsive gambler is willing to stop gambling.

Even though a compulsive gambler made numerous mistakes, they can recover and they can move forward. It’s human nature to learn from your mistakes. No one is going to give the compulsive gambler the death penalty for gambling. A lot of gamblers feel this way when their world comes crumbling down.

Take the time to improve your quality of life and the compulsive gambler’s feelings of guilt will diminish over time.

Mr. Howard Keith has an extensive background in dealing with compulsive gamblers, relatives and friends of gamblers and teenage gamblers.
Mr. Keith believes there are many alternatives to aid in the recovery of a gambling addiction verses a twelve step program. A large percentage of his emails were from compulsive gamblers looking for an alternative to Gamblers Anonymous and twelve step programs. Gamblers Anonymous also helps a significant number of people each year but there is a large percentage that they are unable to reach.

For more information on gambling addiction and stop gambling you can check out: I Stopped Gambling So Can You http://www.istoppedgambling.com/

Teenage Gambling Addiction website: http://www.teenage-gambling-addiction.org/

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