Managing Anger: It’s A Skill

Writen by Ralph Notor

I see anger management as a skill.

In my psychotherapy practice, I teach men the skills to manage their anger more effectively. Sometimes the men I work with are sent to me because they have gotten themselves into trouble because of the way they express their anger. When we talk about learning a new way to manage their anger, sometimes the guys are surprised that there are other ways and that those ways can be learned, just like learning any skill.

We have all learned skills of one sort or another…like riding a bicycle. In order to be proficient at bike riding, you need to learn to hold on. Sometimes, though, you need to let go. You might need to shift gears when the ride is difficult. Sometimes, you put on the brakes. In order to make safe progress, you may plan ahead and train for challenging situations. Some difficult terrain requires great effort, sometimes you coast effortlessly. Practice allows you to gain confidence and familiarity with your reactions. Once you master the basics, you can extend your skill and proficiency. Small trips are easily handled, more complicated ones are appropriately planned.

Managing anger is similar in that you develop skills for holding on and letting go, planning ahead and dealing with challenges. Sometimes the anger you are trying to manage is very big, sometimes small. Sometimes you need to make a small adjustment to keep your balance. Sometimes it will be best to stop, reorient yourself and start again. Sometimes you will want to ask others to give you time before you continue, so you can catch your breath or regain your bearings. Just like learning to ride a bike, you become proficient with practice. With practice, the skills become second nature, allowing you to use them both quickly and effectively.

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