Controlling Anger - Master Rage And Fury With These Ten Tips And Ways To Spot Your Hidden Anger

Writen by Jane Firbank

‘I’m so full of anger,‘ Serena told me. ‘I really feel I need to let it out.‘

But letting rip, studies find, makes you more angry and aggressive, not less. It becomes a habit, making it more likely you’ll give way to anger next time. From small explosions about big things, people who never control or calm their anger tend to progress to big explosions about little things.

However, the good news is that there isn’t a pressure cooker full of anger in your brain, needing to be let out. Things don’t work like that. Instead, there are tendencies, stresses, habits and triggers … and you can succeed in changing these with practice and perseverance. First, however, if anger is a problem for you, you need to realise this. It’s not always obvious …

Exploding with fury can be scary and dangerous. So many people express their anger in hidden roundabout ways, living in a state of masked annoyance and hostility. If this is you, you may well feel YOU never let anger rule you … yet those around you will see things differently. And they’ll be right! Classic hidden anger signs include:

Destructive criticism, faultfinding and nitpicking. You can tell yourself this is justified: ‘It’s for your own good,‘ ‘Someone needs to see that things are done right,‘ ‘Someone has to tell you …‘ ‘You need to know where you’re going wrong.‘ But you can be sure others sense your underlying hostility!

Sarcasm and hostile wit is a classic bully tactic. Sinking your verbal teeth into someone has the advantage of letting you say, innocently, ‘Oh, can’t you take a joke?‘ ‘You always take things the wrong way,‘ or, ‘You’re far too sensitive,‘ if someone objects to your backbiting or tries to draw attention to the hidden anger which fuels it.

Being a victim. Victims are just waiting to be treated badly and taken advantage of. They feel helpless so don’t take responsibility for what happens to them. Their anger at life is expressed in making others feel useless and guilty, as they resist everyone’s attempts to help them or cheer them up –’Yes, but …‘ Some sulk, gloomily enjoying the power and attention as people run around trying to soothe them.

Passive-aggression. You smile sweetly, while inwardly resentful. You don’t want to cooperate, but you don’t dare say so. So you’re ‘tired‘. You ‘can’t understand.‘ You forget, you’re late, you’re clumsy, you make mistakes. Procrastination is a great way of expressing passive-aggression … you don’t refuse to do something, you just never get round to it.

Controlling anger

These ways of being angry DON’T GET THINGS DONE. They don’t effectively change or accomplish things. They just muddy the waters and damage your health and your relationships. Yet anger can be a powerful motivator, a positive force for good — IF you learn to make it your servant, not your master. Here are 10 tried-and-tested tips:

Ask yourself: ‘What do I want to achieve?‘ when you feel that clutch of rage at your chest.

Avoid. Can maddening situations be avoided? Is there a way round the traffic jam, do you HAVE to look at your teenager’s dreadful bedroom, could someone else deal with that infuriating colleague?

Recognise past triggers. One minute you’re coping. The next, ‘out of the blue’, you’ve lost it. Later, you’ll say, ‘I don’t know what came over me,‘ ‘I wasn’t myself.‘ And in a sense you weren’t … because something has hit a nerve and the fight part — anger — of the fight-or-flight survival response has been triggered.

Just as reminders of past trauma can set off panics and fears, so a reminder of experiences like unfairness, injustice, being bullied or assaulted can spark disproportionate anger. Human Givens therapy can remove the original trauma so you stay calm in these trigger situations. If that isn’t available to you, try EMDR, NLP or EFT.

Spot the danger times. Keeping a diary can show up trends and danger points. Consider building time-out moments into your day. Perhaps a quiet period when you get home from work is crucial to a calm evening, for instance. Look out for low blood sugar — it can make people very snappy.

Ian came for therapy for anger. Each evening after work, he regularly lost his temper with his partner as he tried to speed her cooking up. It turned out that he was one of those thin, driven, fast metabolism types … and he’d had nothing to eat since a snatched sandwich, six hours earlier. He was starving for the food she was so slow preparing. Attention to his diet solved the problem.

Fix daily hassles. Those little things may seem trivial, but take them seriously. They can ratchet up your stress level till you’re an explosion waiting to happen.

Cool down. Let out a long sigh of relief (a great way of gaining some instant relaxation!). And INSTANTLY start counting backwards from 100. After about 15 seconds of that, anger will have weakened.

Time out. 20 minutes chilling out should restore you to calmness. With emails, texts and phones, it’s so often easy to find an excuse to give yourself that crucial calming down time before you respond. And NEVER send angry emails or letters till the next day…

LISTEN. When you’re stressed and angry, you can’t think straight and can make misinterpretations. Slow down and LISTEN to what the other person is saying.

Humour lets you step back from the situation and gain perspective. Imagine yourself and the other person as cartoon characters! If you think they’re scum, visualise them as an amoeba. If, like many angry people, you secretly think the world should run the way YOU want it … picture yourself as a huge, all-powerful superhero!

Set goals. Each week, plan to get through each day with fewer explosions of rage, exasperation or irritation.

You may be amazed how fast a new, calmer and more effective approach becomes automatic, once you use these techniques to break the anger habit.

Jane Firbank’s site, http://www.secretsofchange.com, has over 100 fascinating and helpful problem letter replies, plus scores of articles and book reviews.

Jane Firbank, BSc (Psych), HG Dip, GHR, is a psychotherapist in private practice in London, England where she also regularly writes and consults on psychological matters for the Press, TV and radio.

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10 Ways To Diffuse Anger

Writen by Mary Lennox

1. Don’t allow emotions to build up. Deal with situations as they happen.

2. Exercise is a useful way of dealing with stress. Regular exercise will help to increase your tolerance levels.

3. Participation in a sport such as karate/ judo will offer a physical outlet for anger. Involvement in these types of sport also encourage discipline and respect for others.

4. Take care not to consume too much alcohol as people often react more when their judgement is impaired.

5. Eat regularly and sensibly. We are more vulnerable to anxiety when our blood sugar level is low.

6. Be aware of what your personal anger triggers are and learn to deal with them responsibly.

7. It can also help to know what may affect a significant other person in your life. However remember that he/she must take responsibility for their own management of emotions.

8. Be prepared to take some time out if you think a situation may be getting out of control. It can be useful to have explained to the other person in advance that you may opt out for a brief spell but will be prepared to resume conversation later so that he/she does not feel rejected.

9. Agreeing with a partner about strategies you can use together to calm a situation. Be prepared to think creatively. I know of one couple who decided to have a bath together as they found it impossible to remain angry in this situation.

10. Don’t, hold on to past grudges. Let the past remain in the past and work together towards creating a more fulfilling future, by learning from past events, and taking action to avoid falling into the same traps over and over again.

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Bullying and Boundaries: Take your Power Back - Choose your Reaction to the Bully

Writen by Anne Walsh

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” - Eleanor Roosevelt.

If you are the victim of bullying the chances are that you think the opening quote is harsh and unfair and not applicable to you. But I’d like you to think about it a little moreand realise how liberating it is in reality. It means that you can CHOOSE how to react to the actions of a bully. Let me give you an example from one of my clients. She came to me complaining that a colleague often sneered at her and belittled her, calling her stupid and making sarcastic remarks at her expense. This was causing her a lot of grief. So one question I asked her was did he treat everyone this way or just her? She paused and admitted that she was in a minority. She noted that there were some people in her workplace that he treated respectfully and it was nothing to do with their position. So we explored what she thought they did differently and she recognised that these people had an invisible shield around them that seemed to prevent bullies even attempting to belittle them.

At this stage she was really fed up of this colleague’s behaviour, so she was willing to try anything. We devised a strategy whereby she would enlist some psychological support from her friends beforehand, then she asked to speak to the bully in private. Let’s call him John. She asked him calmly and clearly to stop making insulting and belittling remarks to her. He blustered and denied the accusation at first, using the bully staple of accusing her of having “no sense of humour”. She asked him again and eventually he apologised. She had then agreed to call a friend afterwards to debrief and exult in her newfound strength! Things were going fine but then he made a comment and she asked him again in a clear neutral way to stop saying those things to her. And that was it. He stopped completely. In fact a couple of months afterwards I asked how he was and she told me that they had actually become quite good friends.

Set and guard your boundaries

What had my client done? She had set her boundaries and stuck to them. Boundaries are what we use to tell people what we will and will not accept. We teach people how to treat us. Quite often, bullies are unaware of the devastation their comments and actions are causing and when pointed out to them in a calm, strong unemotional way can be quite apologetic for their actions. Of course you can argue that you can’t do that with your boss. But do you want to do something about it (and perhaps save many other people from misery?) or do you want to do (as I heard one man on the radio did) stay in a job where you are disrespected and bullied for 8 years? And of course (and this is where you need to be honest with yourself) there are some people who just enjoy being victims and all the attention that they can get..

Is that you?

Handling the situation

If you are being bullied at work,

1. Clearly define what behaviour you want the person to stop e.g. “Please do not shout at me when asking me to do something”. If you feel that you could get too emotional, rehearse it with a friend and find a way to release the emotion. Be prepared for the person to blame you and deny the effect of the behaviour. Stay strong though!

2. If the person repeats the behaviour, ask them again to stop. Of course if you can’t do that at the time, return to the person again and ask them to stop.

3. Develop allies to give you supportwhether inside or outside the company. But don’t get stuck in complaining mode. Too many people spend years complaining about their situation instead of actually doing anything about it.

4. Keep a written record of all the incidents in which you are bullied. This will be vital if you ever decide to pursue the legal route.

5. Make sure your supervisor is told about the situationin writing.

6. Work on your boundaries. Practise saying no to situations and people that don’t serve you. You could begin with low-risk situations to begin developing your boundary muscles.

Remember, the bully’s behaviour is about THEM, not you. You can find some useful resources on bullying at the following websites:
http://www.abc.tcd.ie

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/ireland.htm

“Anne Walsh is a life coach based in Galway, Ireland.
You can check out the free resources, archived articles and
blog at her website: http://www.annewalshcoach.com. When you sign
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She also has an e-book on personal finance called “”The Money Mistress: make money the best
servant you ever had”" for sale at http://www.bookshaker.com/product_info.php?products_id=161

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