Forgive for Less Marital Anger

Writen by Dr. Tony Fiore

Stacy’s partner of twelve years does not come home one evening and she knew he was with a former lover. He begged for another chance with Stacy, but her pride and anger held her back. Stacy said she would feel like a fool if she forgave him, even though she still loved him. Stacy didn’t end the relationship, but reminds him daily of what he did to her.

Should Stacy forgive her otherwise good husband for what he did? Of course, only Stacy can make this decision.

Fact is, most marriages cannot survive knowledge of an affair, but some do and can even grow stronger in the long run.

Stacy and others who struggle with forgiveness for all kinds of marital offenses (not only affairs) can be helped in their decision by considering the following misconceptions about forgiveness:

MISCONCEPTION #1

Forgiving means that you forget about the offense.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Even though you forgive, you may never forget (and probably shouldn’t) what happened to you.

However, you can tell that you have truly forgiven an offense when you can remember it without experiencing the emotional pain connected with it.

MISCONCEPTION #2

Forgiving means that you are saying what they did was okay.

Quite the opposite. We can still forgive, but see what happened to us as unjust, unfair, or unacceptable.

There are many things that our partners can do to us that we don’t deserve or that violate the contract, covenant, or agreement you have with each other.

Yet, we can forgive by realizing that perhaps they were misguided, or flawed and thus worthy of another chance.

MISCONCEPTION #3

In order to forgive, you need to tell your partner that you forgive them.

Actually, it often backfires if you go up to someone and say “I forgive you,” especially if they see themselves as a victim instead of seeing themselves as someone who warrants forgiveness.

Fact is, forgiveness occurs in your heart- not in the telling someone that you forgive them.

There are exceptions to this, however, and circumstances under which you might want to discuss your forgiveness of them-but only if you think that it will not cause further harm.

For instance, Ruth’s husband asked for her forgiveness following a gambling spree which put the family in financial peril. After one year of rehabilitation and a “clean” record, Ruth told him that she now forgave him.

MISCONCEPTION #4

If you forgive, it means you will trust them again immediately.

Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues. Even after forgiveness, it may take a long time to re-build trust.

To instantly trust your partner again after being violated is not a sign of good mental health or strong self-esteem.

Doing this may also send a message to your partner that they may continue to violate your trust with little fear of actually having to suffer the consequences.

Marital trust must be re-earned after an offense, based on good behavior- not just smooth words or empty promises.

MISCONCEPTION #5

After forgiving, you will automatically feel positive feelings again for your partner.

The opposite of anger is not love. Absence of angry feelings doesn’t necessarily create warm, positive feelings- sometimes it simply creates neutral ones.

In many cases, of course, it is impossible to ever rekindle the love feelings- even after forgiveness. This is common with ex-partners who learn to let go of the

anger connected with the divorce issues, but never love each other again.

MISCONCEPTION #6

Forgiveness occurs all at once.

Not necessarily. Maybe you can start by forgiving maybe 10%-just open the door-and then see how your partner behaves.

After a period of time, you might open the door a little wider and let go of a

little more anger until you are truly able to forgive 100%

Dr Tony Fiore is a licensed psychologist, marital therapist and certified anger management trainer. He is a Fellow of the American Stress Institute and a Diplomate of National Anger Management Association. He has received advanced training in marital therapy at the Gottman Institute in Seattle,Washington. In addition to his active clinical practice, Dr Tony regularly conducts anger management classes in Southern California, consults and provides trainings to companies for anger and stress management, and trains anger management facilitators. He also publishes a monthly newsletter “Taming The Anger Bee.” With Ari Novick, M. A. he has recently published a new workbook/manual: “Anger Management For The Twenty-First Century - The Eight Tools of Anger Control.” He can be reached at http://www.angercoach.com.

Share This

How To Be Assertive Without Getting ANGRY

Writen by Rosella Aranda

No matter what type of business we are involved in, our
success is in part determined by how well we deal with
people. We need to present ourselves as confident, decisive
and assertive.

LET’S NOT OVERDO IT

Sometimes, however, our efforts to show our assertiveness
cross the line. We end up coming across as rude, aggressive
or downright belligerent.

Let’s clarify the major distinctions.

ASSERTIVENESS VS. AGGRESSIVENESS

In any situation where your rights or space are being
violated, there are generally three options available to
you. You can:

1) Be submissive, say nothing, and fume in silence.

2) Be aggressive and hostile, which will probably just
fuel the fire.

3) Calmly and politely assert your interests.

Sometimes when we feel compelled to speak up, we can easily
lose sight of the fact that we just want to stop the
offensive behavior, period. We do not need to humiliate the
other person, nor do we need to humiliate ourselves by
overreacting.

This person may not even be aware of any wrongdoing. In any
event, explosive, self-righteous behavior is never a good
first line of defense.

CONFIDENT PEOPLE HAVE NO NEED OR DESIRE TO BELITTLE OTHERs

Assertiveness does not seek to humiliate or purposely
embarrass anyone. The other party may well end up feeling a
little embarrassed, but it won’t be laced with anger at you.

It’s amazing how cooperative people can become when treated
with respect. And it is equally amazing how swiftly and
surely they will become uncooperative if they are being
attacked in any way, even with a subtle gesture or an
exasperated tone of voice.

HUMANS ALWAYS RESPOND MORE FAVORABLY TO KINDNESS

There’s an old saying, maybe a little corny, but it still
holds true: “You can catch more flies with honey than you
can with vinegar.”

This bit of common knowledge may not be as common as we
think. Next time a situation arises, remember that you can
choose to assert your interests calmly and politely without
becoming angry or abusive.

Your kindness will likely be returned, and even if it’s not,
your own sense of personal mastery and self-esteem will rise
a notch.

You’ll find such good feelings to be habit-forming. Now
there’s a habit worth having.

Rosella Aranda, editor and author, helps marketers escape limiting beliefs and build confidence. Free mini-course.
http://www.SabotageThyselfNoMore.com/go/Aassert
For kind encouragement and solid motivation, climb aboard…
http://calling-all-entrepreneurs.com/go/t.cgi?AassertZ

Share This

Anger Management By Being Slow To Take Offence

Writen by John Watson

Religion has been a major target for comedians in the 2006 Edinburgh festival and in the world in general for some time. Should religious people be offended and even angered by jokes about their most sacred beliefs and those they worship? Maybe not as much as they often are.

The topic was discussed recently on BBC 1’s Heaven and Earth show. Canon Robin Gamble from Manchester Cathedral suggested that God is big enough to take care of himself. We should only be concerned when the weak and defenceless are lampooned.

Some religions, like Judaism, are already skilled at not taking themselves too seriously. There is a story, for example, about a 94 year old Jewish man on his death bed. Larry Jay Tish, a Jewish comedian, described what happened.

The dying Jew asked his rabbi to find a priest so that he could convert to Christianity.

“You have been a Jew your whole life for 94 years. You are on your death bed. And now you want to convert to Christianity. Why?” asked the rabbi.

“I figure it is better one of them should die rather than one of us!”

It is worth remembering that the priority of a comedian is to get a laugh. They are not too concerned about the possible sensitivities of the individuals in their audience.

Nor are they always trying to be malicious. They just need a laugh or they won’t survive as comedians. They may also need to shock in order to increase the size of their audiences.

It is worth taking time to understand exactly why comedians say or do those things which seem outrageous at first sight.

One comedian at the Festival dressed up as a Guantanamo Bay prisoner in an orange suit. He also wore a crown of thorns. Many Christians might well take offence at this but the comedian in question thinks laughter is sacred.

Laughter encourages you to mock authority and to think critically. He believes that such an attitude is typical of the spirit of Jesus.

Early in 2006, cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad were published in Denmark sparking world wide riots and angry protests. One protest placard read “Kill those who insult Islam.” But not all Muslims display such anger.

Omar Marzouk is a Danish, Muslim comedian. He can see humour in the situation but does not intend to offend his fellow muslims. However, he is not afraid to highlight stupidity wherever it occurs.

“It is really difficult being an European, Danish, Muslim because I have been confused about what to burn and who to boycott! It is hard being Muslim because of all the terrorism and now people hate me for being Danish too!”

Omar, born of Egyptian parents in Copenhagen, offends right wingers and radical muslims equally. Some of his comments, like the following where he refers to the London bombings might well offend even the moderates:

“I believe they should employ Muslims to ride on the trains and buses with suicide belts around their waist. Then we could also make our contribution to the war on terror. Then if a genuine suicide bomber should turn up you could say:

‘Listen fellow, get off. This is my bus!’”

He also has something to say about the shooting of the innocent Brazilian in London.

“There are certain rules to follow if you look like me and live in England. For example you can’t run in order to catch a train or bus. You walk.”

He may well offend many people and especially the relatives of the injured and dead but most of his audiences are just relieved to be able to laugh about such serious and frightening issues. Omar wants to ease the tension enough to allow people to talk about the problems.

Australian comedian, Jim Jeffries, argues that you don’t have to see his shows if you are worried about being offended. His posters say he will be offensive. If you are concerned, don’t buy a ticket. A typical jokey remark by him is the following:

“Are you worried about suicide bombers in Scotland? No. Of course not. Scotland looks like it has already been done!”

Some comedians pick religion as a target because they do not personally believe in God. For them cracking jokes about God is like making jokes about Santa Claus.

Ed Byrne believes that religion is an easy topic for comedians because everyone knows about it.

He tells his audiences that he became an atheist when he was quite young when he saw Christians installing a lightning conductor on his local church - “What a great deal of faith you’re showing!”

Ed does not believe that God, if He exists, could be so petty as to be offended by a comedian cracking a joke about Him. More important things are going on in the world.

Stephen Green from ‘Christian Voice’ argues that if God is not just a private lifestyle choice but the Almighty Ruler of the Universe, we should not take His name in vain and should be worried if we do. He feels that comedians do not have a clue about how deeply they offend religious people.

Ed, on the other hand, is offended by some Christians who believe that hurricane Katrina was sent to purify the city of New Orleans and who believe that God can destroy His own creation with “all the accuracy of a drunk seven year old stamping on ants.”

Canon Robin is most worried about how quick Christians are to take offence. He quoted from the Bible: “Love is slow to take offence.”

He is not worried by offensive remarks about religion: “God is a big boy He does not need me to stand up for Him. I am shocked by how quickly Christians are offended. We should be more tolerant. Life is brilliant. It is about joy and taking part in this joy.”

Stephen argues that you don’t insult someone just because they are big. You would not feel free to tell a big man that his mother was a whore. If God is that big, we should be worried about offending Him.

Canon Robin, as usual, disagreed with Stephen Green. We should feel safe and secure in God - not worried about God. If you can laugh at yourself and your beliefs, tensions will dissipate.

On the whole I agree with the views of Canon Robin. God is too big and life is too exciting to get angry about the attempts of comedians to use God or religion as the butt of their jokes. Love should be slow to take offence.

Taking offence has not done the world much good. Religious wars have caused the deaths of millions. It is time to try a different path.

St Paul is probably talking mainly about human relationships when he teaches that love is slow to take offence in his famous passage about love in his first letter to the Corinthian Christians.

A confident human being will not be worried about the people who make fun of him or her. He or she will have enough sense to realise that taking offence could lead to a damaging confrontation which will benefit no one.

As the Buddha said, the angry man is like some one holding a hot piece of coal in his hand to throw at his enemy. He will hurt himself as well as his enemy.

Confident humans will have enough self-confidence not to take insults personally. They will understand that not everyone will like them but plenty will and they do not need to become anxious and angry about the insults of those that dislike or envy them.

A loving human being will see the good even in the people who are insulting them. Those who are big enough to ignore the insults may well see their enemies becoming their friends.

Politicians have already learned the art of not responding to insults with anger. John Prescott, the UK deputy prime minister, is alleged to have called President Bush’s policy for peace in the middle east ‘cr**’. The White House replied very tolerantly:

“Being called names is part of the burden of leadership”

To sum up, religious people should not get too angry about offensive remarks about their religion. There is no need. They certainly should not become angry enough to kill.

Those they worship are big enough to defend themselves and usually teach love and forgiveness rather than violence. Enough deaths have already been caused through religious believers being quick to take offence at the fact that others do not share their respect for their beliefs about God.

All humans should be slow to take offence. Loving tolerance will produce far better and more long lasting results than anger.

If politicians, with the possible exception of John Prescott, can keep their cool, so can the rest of the human race!

Gervase Phinn, the Roman Catholic author, noticed that in Northern Ireland there is an emphatic Protestant piece of graffiti:

NO POPE HERE!

Underneath a Roman Catholic wit has written with equal emphasis:

LUCKY OLD POPE!

- a much better response than bombs and bigotry!

Share This