4 Simple Steps for Effectively Dealing with Anger

Writen by Lisa Fredette

6 Emotional Phases of Divorce: The Healing Process

Phase Two: Anger

I hope you took me up on my challenge from last month’s article. Moving outside your comfort zone can be extremely frightening, but as I am sure you found it can be very exciting and rewarding. Now that you have the tools to conquer the fear that turns up in your life, let’s take a look at the next phase, Anger.

Anger Defined

According to www.answers.com, anger is defined as “a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility”. I can say that I wholeheartedly agree with that definition. When I was going through this phase during my healing processes, I definitely exhibited “strong feelings of displeasure and hostility”.

Where It Shows Up

My husband, my daughter and I lived in our house for approximately six years before my husband moved out. Everything seemed to be working just fine, by everything I mean the appliances, etc. Well, my husband moves out and within that year everything decided to go wrong. First the refrigerator quit working, so I needed to buy a new one. And of course it decided to stop working in the middle of a summer during a dinner party I was having. Around the same time, every faucet in the house decided to leak and the tiles in my daughters shower felt like popping out. Trust me I am no plumber or carpenter. It so happened that the year he left was the rainiest year on record so needless to say my basement flooded. Finally, the fuel pump on my vehicle went and if any of you know about fuel pumps when they go they just go no warning. So mine decided to go bad when I was driving my daughter home from work at 10:00 pm at night, stopped running right in the middle of the road.

Can you see where all of this is going? Sure I blamed him for all these things going wrong. My favorite saying was “Boy he knew when to jump ship”. During that year I experienced a great deal of anger. Anger that manifested itself so strongly that I ended up in tears more times then not.

Ways of Dealing with Anger

The first step in dealing with anger is to acknowledge it and find out the source. Once you have done this it is easier to feel it and move through it. Some ways that can help you move through anger are:

1) Venting: either alone or with a venting partner
2) Journaling
3) Anger Letters
4) Physical Outlet: punching a pillowing or exercising

Venting: this provides a safe outlet for your angry words and emotions. A venting partner is someone who is willing to listen and support you, without input, during your venting process.

Journaling: you can write down all the angry words that you are feeling in a safe place. Getting the toxic thoughts out of your head and on to paper helps you move safely through your anger.

Anger letters: you write a letter to the person that you believe is the source of your anger this could be a spouse, a child or yourself. The important thing to remember is that this letter is not going to be sent to the person. It is a safe way to address your feelings while respecting the other person. After the letter is written, you should destroy it, by ripping it up, burning them or during a letting go ceremony. This is a great way to release those angry feelings toward others or yourself.

Physical Outlet: it is proven that physical exertion provides emotional release and encourages positive thoughts.

Action Step

I encourage you to try one or several of these methods to deal with your anger. If you try any of these options I would love to hear your thoughts. Also, if you have methods that you found to be effective in dealing with anger I would love to learn about them. Please email me at coach@lisafredette.com.

If you want to learn more about dealing with anger, I encourage you to sign up for the group coaching sessions that are beginning soon. Contact me at coach@lisafredette.com for more details.

Next Phase 3 - “Regret”"

Lisa Fredette, St. Marys, PA
coach@lisafredette.com
I am a personal life coach. I coach women who are transitioning from being someone’s spouse to being someone. I work with recently divorced women who want to take back control of their life and redefine their future. Are you interested in discovering your true purpose in life? Are you interested in getting reacquainted with your best friend? Do you want to be excited about your future again? If you answered yes to these questions, then contact me for a free sample session and begin the exciting journey called life! Lisa A. Fredette, CTA Certified Coach Personal Life Coach Passionate About Life Coaching 814-781-1626 or 814-594-5817

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Difficult Conversations at Home and Work: How to Manage Your Hot Buttons

Writen by Tammy Lenski, Ed.D

“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” - James Thurber

Conflict triggers or your “hot buttons” are the emotional responses set off by the words or actions of others during difficult conversations. While it’s a common expression to say, “He presses my buttons,” or “She’s baiting me,” your hot buttons say more about you than they do the other person. More often that not in conflict, you perceive something as bait whether or not that’s the other person’s intention. And when you feel baited, you may act accordingly—sometimes badly.

You feel triggered during conflict when you perceive the other person’s words or actions as threatening to your identity in some way. Common triggers include real or perceived threats to your competence, worth, freedom, and sense of being included. Beyond Blame author Jeffrey Kottler suggests that people chomp down on bait as a self-protective mechanism based on past experiences.

Your hot buttons can trip you up in conflict because they cause you to misinterpret, close down, lash out or take a side trip down the blame road. They also trigger a set of emotional responses that may contribute to escalation. When you’re triggered, your brain may experience what’s called a “neural hijacking.” The brain perceives a threat, proclaims an emergency and moves into action. This hijacking occurs so quickly that the conscious, thinking portion of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what’s happening. So, you’re off and running.

While saying “she presses my buttons” suggests it’s the other person’s job to stop doing it, only you can manage your own triggers. Everyone’s bait is a little different, so what triggers me may not trigger you. This is why blaming others for baiting you isn’t very effective: you waste energy expecting them to change what they’re doing, when only you can change our own reactions.

So, how do you sidestep bait instead of playing the blame game? Here are some effective approaches for identifying, recognizing and managing conflict triggers.

1. Begin with what I call “self-work.” Keeping your balance during conflict is in large part dependent upon the reflective work you do when you’re not in conflict. Learn what triggers you and why you’re triggered—get back to the source. Kottler’s book is an excellent resource to walk you through that process. Skipping this self-work is like building a house without a foundation.
2. Teach yourself alternative responses. Once you are aware of the kinds of words or actions that trigger you and can recognize bait (intended or unintended) when you see it, you’re ready to add alternative responses to your repertoire. Robert Bolton’s book People Skills is a good resource rich with practical tips.
3. Practice during low-stakes situations. You probably wouldn’t take Spanish 101 and then offer your services as an interpreter for the U.N. Practice your alternative responses in day-to-day situations with low-stakes outcomes. When the higher-stake disputes arise, you’ll be better able to stay balanced and access your good skills.
4. In the heat of the moment, stop. Try to note of your physiological state, body language and tone of voice. A “hot face,” sweating, loud voice, shaking, tears, and clenched teeth are physiological signals that you’re feeling emotionally flooded and suggest that you’ve been triggered. Allow time for your thinking brain to catch up. Some people teach themselves subtle cues to stop, such as saying “time out,” pinching the skin on the inside of their wrist, or taking one minute to breathe deeply. Figure out, through experimentation, what works for you.
5. Take a cool-down period, but don’t use the time to dwell on your anger or the other person’s frustrating behavior. Instead do something to distract yourself entirely for about 20 minutes, the time it typically takes for your emotional flooding to recede.
6. Beware of venting as a regular strategy. While it’s a popular notion that venting makes people feel better and helps get the emotional noise out of the way, research suggests that if you use this approach repeatedly, the opposite effect occurs. While it may feel good in the moment, venting anger as your normal mode may make you more angry and push your body and brain into a heightened state of anxiety or rage.

Copyright © 2004 and 2006 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.

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Are You Angry? Taking A Break May Help

Writen by Cynthia McKenna

I suspect most folks do not like to argue. I know, some people are really good at it, and some people seem to enjoy conflict. But the vast majority of us would rather not fight with the ones we love.

I am the type of person who wants to stick with a fight/argument/disagreement (pick your favorite term) until it is settled. I think if I keep after it, my logic and desires will surely prevail.

So I was very interested to learn about some research on arguing from The Gottman Institute in Seattle. In case you don’t know the Institute, or its founder John Gottman, it is a research center focused on couples and the ways they interact. The Gottman Institute has an apartment set up with microphones and cameras, where couples stay for the weekend. While they are there, their actions and interactions are recorded, then studied.

When people argue, they get anxious or upset, and their heart rate increases. The Gottman researchers found that if your heart rate is over 100 beats per minute, you cannot think flexibly, negotiate, or solve problems very well. So they suggest that couples take a break from each other and the issue - say 15 minutes or so - and come back together at a designated time to resolve the issue. This break allows your heart rate to go down and makes resolving problems easier. Couples that practice this “time out” technique have more successful resolutions.

So… folks like me who want to stick with the disagreement until it is worked out are actually being counter-productive. We need to step away, take a walk, water the plants, do the dishes, whatever works. Then, at an agreed time, come back together to work on the problem.

© 2006 Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC - All Rights Reserved Worldwide

Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC http://CynthiaMcKennaCounseling.com is a therapist and life-coach who helps people have more joy and peace in daily living. Cynthia works with clients throughout the country via phone and email. She also sees clients in her Texas Hill Country office.

Schedule and appointment, sign up for her e-newsletter, or request more information hereContact Cynthia McKenna

Check out Cynthia McKenna’s Blog: CounselingBlog

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